


Lost Without You

by StorytellerWitch



Series: Supernatural One/Two shots [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M, Sad, Seizures, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Vomiting, Wetting self, confession of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:02:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26851885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StorytellerWitch/pseuds/StorytellerWitch
Summary: First of a two part song fic. Dean Winchester can't take being away from Sam anymore. He blames himself for Sam leaving to go to college and decides to punish himself for it.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Series: Supernatural One/Two shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1958797
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning: this is a sad fucking story so please don't hate me. Also please go look up the band Kodaline and listen to All I want by them. This fic is based on that song. If you have your tissues ready, read on!

**All I want is nothing more**   
**To hear you knocking at my door**   
**Cause if I could see your face once more**   
**I could die a happy man I'm sure**

**When you said your last goodbye**   
**I died a little bit inside**   
**I lay in tears in bed all night**   
**Alone without you by my side**

The hardest thing I ever had to do was watch you walk out that door, Sam. You walked away without thinking about how it would make me feel, did you? God, if only you knew. If only you knew how I felt about you. If only I could tell you how I felt. Ha! If you could see me now, I wonder what you would say. Would you laugh at your big brother? Would you console me? No, I can see you now, laughing in the slightest way, but only when you thought I wasn’t looking or paying attention. The truth is, I never stopped paying attention to you, Sammy, never, not one damn time. And maybe that’s why this happened. Maybe I was the reason you left, the one that pushed you to your breaking point. So, I sit here, like a pathetic lost puppy with no light to guide me, in another motel room, drinking cheap liquor and pour my feelings out into this journal just for you Sammy. Because the pain of watching someone I love. Love more than I should walk out the door because he’s suffocating and needs time away. Time to think. Time to heal from the damage the world did to you. The damage _he_ did to you. Alone, and missing you so much it fucking hurts so bad. It’s killing me, Sammy. And I don’t know how much I can go one for without you.

**But If you loved me**   
**Why'd you leave me**   
**Take my body**   
**Take my body**

**All I want is**   
**And all I need is**   
**To find somebody**   
**i'll Find somebody**   
**Like you**   
**Cause you brought out the best of me**   
**A part of me I'd never seen**

I want you to know that I tried, Sam. Fuck, you have to know that I tried. I tried like hell to move on from you. Fucked one girl after another. Got in so many damn bar fights over girls that belonged to other guys. Tried picking up a few guys too. But none of them made me feel the way I did whenever I was with you.

You made me feel so much more than just a big brother. I was your hero. Your savior. Your shelter and safety net during thunderstorms and late-night terrors. You’d crawl into bed with me and push your face into my chest and wedge your feet between mine and sigh. You made me learn patience and love. You made me learn how to love myself. You made me overprotective. A fucking jerk to whoever looked at my baby brother the wrong way. You changed me, into something I never thought I’d be. Because of you, Sammy, I don’t know who I am anymore. You took the man I used to be with you to Sanford. What am I now? Just a sad, pathetic, useless shell of a man I used to be. How do I move on from that?

**You took my soul wiped it clean**   
**Our love was made for movie screens**   
**But If you loved me**   
**Why'd you leave me**

Sammy, you remember all those times when we were kids? We’d be outside playing and as soon as one of us got hurt, usually, you because you’re so clumsy and it’s so fucking cute… I’d be right there by your side, wiping your tears and kissing your boo boo’s and you’d smile up at me like I was the best thing in your life. I tried so hard to be everything you needed, anything you needed, I’d be it. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, Sammy. What the point to all of this rambling is. There are notebooks and pages upon pages of it… my fucking love confessions and pathetic memories of you. I’m killing myself over you, and when that day comes, I want you to know that I never met to leave you like this. It was never supposed to be this way between us.

I thought I could see you leave and be okay. Thought I’d be able to move on. Maybe find a girlfriend, settle down, maybe even have a kid or two by now, but life sure is a damn curveball.

Why Sam? Why’d you move so far away? Why’d you change your phone number? Stopped answering my calls and texts and emails and letters. I still have the last letter you sent me. You said you loved me. You said you still needed me, still needed your big brother. But you don’t, do you? You don’t need me anymore, you never really did. I was the one that needed you, you played along built up my own ego about myself and then you tore it all to shit the moment you walked out that door. And it wasn’t because of dad, because I took you away from that. You ran away because of me. Did you know? Do you know how I feel about you? Do you know what it’s like to love someone so damn much that it’s hard to breathe? You can’t possibly know what that’s like because you wouldn’t have left me, Sammy, you wouldn’t have left. And I know how this sounds. I know. I get, alright. But you are everything to me and I am not okay, and I miss you, and I need you.

**Take my body**   
**Take my body**   
**All I want is**   
**And all I need is**   
**To find somebody**   
**i'll Find somebody**   
**Ooooohhhhhh**   
**If you loved me**

**Why'd you leave me**

**Take my body**   
**Take my body**   
**All I want is**   
**And all I need is**   
**To find somebody**   
**i'll Find somebody**   
**Like you**

Dean didn’t close the notebook like he normally did. He didn’t tuck it back in the shoebox he keeps hidden up against the back corner underneath his bed. He left it out and open and exposed to the world. To whatever poor bastard had to read his pathetic tear-stained scribble that confessed his deepest darkest illegal feelings for his little brother. Dean Winchester didn’t have the chance to hide away anymore because the handful of oxycodone and alcohol was starting to fuck with his system. And his gut was wrenching from the twisting burn from the drugs and alcohol. His vision blurred and his body temperature was rising too much for a person to take. His legs buckled, and he fell to the floor. Sweat making his clothes stick and cling to his skin making him more uncomfortable in his intensely too high of a state. Moaning out in pain, Dean turned over or tried to. He needed to get to the bathroom quickly before he… too late. He already vomited all over himself and the floor. Eyes glazed over and unfocused it was time.

Somewhere in the distance, Dean heard the heavy footfalls of boots hitting the floor. Heard his name being called out. It wasn’t the first time he hallucinated. Wasn’t the first time he tried to end it either. This time, he made sure it would be the last time. He felt his brain stop working, his entire body began to shake, spasm, twitch as he went into a seizure. That wasn’t the first time either, but it was the first time he peed himself, not that he could care. He was exhausted, couldn’t fight the pain of forcing his lungs to breathe anymore. And for a crystal clear second, he could see Sam’s face over his. Could feel Sam’s hands on his. If this was a hallucination, he liked it. What better way to go than to see the face of the man, his brother, that he loved more than he should. Reaching a shaky finger out, he brushed the hallucination Sam’s hair from his face, and said, “I found you” before his world slipped to blackness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam finds Dean's body.

You could put it down to teenage recklessness, rebellion, or anything else that matches a know it all, selfish, terrified of his own feeling’s teenager. The real reason Sam Winchester hadn’t bothered to answer his older brother’s phone calls was a simple fact that he lost it. He had always been like that, though, and it didn’t surprise him when he woke up from a drunken night out and couldn’t find his phone. He had also changed up dorm rooms and forgot since they all look the same and got confused when he hadn’t even received a letter from his brother.

Now with winter break upon him, he decided to rent a car and drive up to Kansas to surprise Dean. He knew he had acted like a child walking out the way he did, but he couldn’t help it. He needed to put some distance between them because if he didn’t he would have done something he swore he would never do, and spilling his guts to his brother was completely and utterly off the list. That was until he decided to surprise Dean by walking through the front door of the house they once shared and found his brother half dead covered in vomit and urine. A notebook sat used and open on the dining room table. No, Sam was never going to spill his guts to his brother, but it appears that Dean already did.

  
**Ramblers in the wilderness we can't find what we need  
We get a little restless from the searching  
** [**Get a little worn down in between  
Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes** ](https://genius.com/Needtobreathe-brother-lyrics#note-7597072) **  
Everybody needs someone beside em' shining like a lighthouse from the sea**

**  
**Sam sat with his head resting on the hospital bed where Dean lay hooked up to IV’s and monitors. His face was the color of paste, ghost white with dark circles under his eyes that indicated he hadn’t slept in God knows how long. The doctors and nurses worked tirelessly around the clock to save his brothers life. They had pumped Dean’s stomach, hooked him up to one IV after the other trying to flush the drugs and alcohol from his system and rehydrate his body. Sam finally let himself relax when one doctor told him that Dean’s system was trying to repair itself. “He’ll be out of it for a while, but if everything goes well, he’ll wake up. Once that happens, we’ll run a few tests and then he should be good to go home.”

**Brother, let me be your shelter  
Never leave you all alone  
I can be the one you call  
When you're low  
Brother, let me be your fortress  
When the night winds are driving on  
Be the one to light the way  
Bring you home  
  
**

With his head down and turned facing away from Dean, Sam let the tears spill. How could he be so stupid and blind? He caused Dean so much pain while he had only thought about himself and his own feelings. He never stopped to think about Dean’s feelings, but he couldn’t really blame himself because how could he have known that Dean loved him the same way he loved Dean?

**  
Face down in the desert now there's a cage locked around my heart  
** [**I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were  
Now my hands can't reach that far** ](https://genius.com/Needtobreathe-brother-lyrics#note-5774023) **  
** [**I ain't made for rivalry I could never take the world alone** ](https://genius.com/Needtobreathe-brother-lyrics#note-5774195) **  
** [**I know that in my weakness I am strong** ](https://genius.com/Needtobreathe-brother-lyrics#note-7597105) **  
But it's your love that brings me home**

Dean groaned at the sound of soft crying and the smell of overly sanitized hospital beds. He had the worst headache in the history of headaches and wondered where the hell he was and why someone was not just holding his hand but crying on it. Blinking a few times, Dean’s blurry vision evened out, and he found a head full of long brown hair. “Sammy” Dean whispered in a hoarse voice. “Dean” Sam questioned? Sniffling, Sam lifted his head and looked at his brother, pale and weak and not looking like the Dean he had grown to know and love. It physically hurt Sam to see Dean in this condition and he wanted to do anything to bring Dean back from this.

**  
Brother, let me be your shelter  
Never leave you all alone  
I can be the one you call  
When you're low  
Brother, let me be your fortress  
When the night wheels are driving on  
Be the one to light the way  
Bring you home**

Dean reached up, pressing his thin pasty hand against Sam’s soft cheek. Using his thumb, he wiped away Sam’s tears. “Don’t cry, Sammy. I’m okay.”

“No, Dean you’re not. You… you should have told me things were bad… that you have feelings…”

“Stop it, Sam,” Dean said. Face stern and determined despite his sickly appearance. There was only one way Sam could get his point across. “I can’t stop. Now that I know how you really feel, Dean…”

“I said stop it, damn it,” Dean said, the heart monitor jumping and beeping indicating a spike. It must not have been too alarming because no one came in to access the situation.

“Damn it, Dean, if you just let me talk…”

“I can’t. You can’t, Sam, because I can’t take it. It’ll kill me, Sammy… please… just..”

**  
And when you call  
And need me near  
Say it where’d you go  
Brother, I’m right here  
And on those days  
When the sky begins to fall  
You’re the blood of my blood  
We can get through it all**

Cutting Dean off mid-sentence, Sam stood up, legs forcing the uncomfortably hard hospital chair back, and leaned over his older brother. “Yes, you can, Dean. And if you don’t listen, then I’ll show you.” And then Sam was kissing Dean, lips pressed firmly against his brother’s very chapped, dry lips. When they pulled apart, Sam couldn’t bring himself to stand up straight. His knees shook and his whole world felt like it had just gone through an earthquake. Dean wasn’t looking much better. **  
  
**

**Brother, let me be your shelter  
Never leave you all alone  
I could be the one you call  
When you're feeling low  
Brother, let me be your fortress  
When the night wheels are driving on  
Be the one to light the way  
Bring you home  
Brother, let me be your shelter  
Never leave you all alone  
I can be the one you call  
When you're low  
Brother, let me be your fortress  
When the night wheels are driving on  
Be the one to light the way  
Bring you home  
Be the one to light the way  
Bring you home**

“I left because I couldn’t handle being around you anymore,” Sam said and watched as Dean’s facial features grew hard, lips closing off into a stiff straight line, almost frown. “But not because I hated you, or because I was sick of you. It was because I loved you so much, too much. And I couldn’t handle you hating me if you figured it out. I thought the distance was what I… we needed. God, I was so wrong” Sam said, lacing their fingers together, and pressing another kiss, this time to Dean’s hand. “If I would have known you felt the same way, I would never have left. I would have stayed. If you would have called me and told me you needed me back here because you couldn’t stand being alone. That you felt this low, shit De.. I would have walked through fire to get to you so you wouldn’t have to deal with this by yourself. Yes, your my brother, and I love you for that, but De… we’re so much more than that. You’re my world, and I love you. I love you so much, De, that it kills me knowing I might not be able to give you want you need. That I can’t provide that for you.”

“Hey, Sammy. No, shhh. You are so perfect. I was so selfish and only thinking of my feelings when you left. We didn’t give each other much to work on. You have always been into your feelings, and I… I haven’t. I just never thought, you’d want me back.”

“Dean, I’ve told you so many times and I’m going to tell you again. I love you, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you,” Sam said, lifting their laced fingers up between them, “this included.”

Dean reached over, cupping Sam’s face and pulling him closer and pressed their lips together once again. Breath hitching and uneven, Deans' fingers unsteady and unsure despite his brother’s words. This time when they pulled apart, Sam rested his forehead against Deans, breathing in his scent. “Take me home, little brother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A happy ending! Yay!  
> Will be doing more of these if y'all enjoyed this watch for me soon!

**Author's Note:**

> Who's crying? I'm crying! Are you crying? I'm crying!


End file.
